Parenting Without a License

            “Yes, Officer?  Is something wrong?”

            “When you made that left turn back there, Ma’am, I noticed that you have two children in your backseat.”

            “Yes, Sir.  Those are my kids.”

            “Uh-huh.  Ma’am, I need to see your license and registration please.”

            “Of course.” 

            “Ma’am, this is your driver’s license.  I need to see your parenting license and registration.”

            “I’m sorry.  My what?”

            “Your parenting license and registration.  You are parenting with a license, aren’t you?”

            “Well, I . . . what?  Honestly, Officer, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

            “I see.”  He took some information from the driver’s license and entered it into his hand-held computer.  “How old are the children, Ma’am?”

            “They’re 23 months and 6 months.  Look, what is this all about?”

            He checked the backseat through the window and entered more information into his computer.

            “Where did these children come from, Ma’am?”

            “What?  Are you kidding me?  You’re serious.  They came from my uterous, where the hell do you think?”

            He looked up from his computer.  “No need to get hostile, Ma’am.“  Then he asked, “IVF?”

            “No!  I didn’t have IVF.  I had sex with my husband.  Now, are you going to give me a ticket or something because I’m late for a playdate.”

            “I just need to ask you a few more questions.  According to my records here, you are parenting without a license. However, it appears that you moved here only recently from out of state, so I won’t take you down to the station.  I’ll just need to write you up a formal warning.  Then you’ll have 60 days to take the required parent education courses, take a written exam, and an actual parenting exam where a professional Parenting Specialist will watch you interact with your children.  If you pass the exams and observation, you will be granted a parenting license and your children will be registered as ‘emotionally safe’ with the state.” 

            “You have got to be kidding me!  Am I on TV?  Is there a camera around here somewhere?  I’ve never heard of a parenting license." 

            “Well, other states may just let anybody become a parent, Ma’am, but in this state, we have a licensing process that is strictly enforced.”

            “But this is totally absurd.  You can’t regulate parenting.  Anybody can become a parent. 

            “Correction, Ma’am.  Anybody can have kids, but that doesn’t make you a parent – at least a skilled parent.”

            “Look.  No one is going to tell me how to raise my kids.  Now, if you would -- ” 

            “I understand that this is a sensitive issue.  But you can’t pilot a plane or drive a car without first learning how.  And in this state you can’t parent without first learning how.”

            “What the hell are you talking about?  How can you compare parenting to driving or flying?  Cars and planes are deadly weapons for crying out loud.”

            “Oh, and parenting isn’t a sort of deadly weapon?  According to my records here, after a painful episode with your parents resulting in your isolation from them for five years, you considered suicide.  I’d say suicide is pretty deadly.  Wouldn’t you?”

            “What?  How do you know that?”

            “My records also indicate that your step-mother was abusive, your father negligent, your step-father domineering, and your mother treated you more like a friend than a daughter.  All of this resulted in you assuming adult responsibilities at an early age, making you precocious yet lacking a strong self-image.”

            “What?  Where the hell are getting this information from?  Let me see that computer.  Does this have something to do with that fucking Patriot Act?  Besides, I worked through all of that.  ”

            “Showing hostility and using expletives in front of your children – Ma’am, I suspect you’re still harboring some anger surrounding those issues.  I think you and your children would really benefit from the parent education courses.”

            “Oh, what, now you’re a fucking shrink?  I don’t need parent education courses.  You’re just pissing me off with all this parenting license crap.  I know how to raise my kids!”

            “Oh, really?  Can you tell me where you learned how to raise children?  Was it from your abusive step-mother or your negligent father?  Perhaps you learned how to parent from your overbearing step-father, or your lacking-appropriate-boundaries-mother.”

            “Look, I don’t know who you think you are, but I learned from their mistakes.  I am not and will not be like them.”

            “I’m sure that’s true, Ma’am.  However, just because you know how you don’t want to parent doesn’t mean you know how to parent skillfully.  If that were the case, the state would not require licensing. 

            “Well . . .ahhh . . .

            “For instance, do you know how to teach empathy through everyday interactions?  Do you know how to authoritatively implement boundaries while still providing your children with appropriate choices?  How do you stop your children from behaving inappropriately without yelling, hitting, or making them feel like they’re bad people?”

            “I . . . I . . . I don’t know.  You’re putting me on the spot!” 

            “As a parent, Ma’am, you’re put on the spot all day long.  Every time you interact with your child, you have an opportunity to teach and model appropriate behavior.  And, that is exactly why the state requires every parent go through a licensing process. 

            “Yeah, well, what about instincts, huh?  I think I have good parenting instincts.”

            “Ma’am, instincts are developed with experience.  When I was a rookie, I had virtually no instincts for dealing with criminals.  Now that I’ve been with the force for nearly 15 years, I can honestly say I have good instincts.  Your children are under two years old.  I can’t imagine that your instincts are all that good just yet.  And given that the first two years are considered the critical period for attachment and brain development, let’s just hope it’s not too late for them.”

            With that, he handed her the formal warning and said, “You have a nice day now.”

Comments

[Jessica]

LOL! Hilarious post! One of my favorite movie lines is from Parenthood where Keanu Reeves says something like "You have to get a license to drive a car but any @$^*&^%^% asshole can become a parent."

[Scone]

I only *wish* they had laws like that.

[Mary]

This is SPECTACULAR! Although the thought of state-run parenting licensing bodies gives me the heebie-jeebies, imagining all those officious, Earnest Mommy and Daddy Social Workers deciding who does and doesn't get to be a parent, and failing all those who confess they didn't "fall in love" with their newborn at conception, still, it's true. The single most significant endeavour most of us ever embark upon, and most of us go into it COMPLETELY UNPREPARED. We think we know stuff, but we've never really tried it out. It comes with experience. Which you don't get until you've messed around with that first (perhaps only) child.

Great, great post!

[Aginoth]

Great post. really enjoyed that :o)

[Matthew]

This is why I'm convinced we'd be good friends outside of the computer.

[Yasmine]

Great post... I love your site. :D