Unsolicited Parenting Advice #5: How to Put Eyedrops in Your Tod-lar's Pink Eye

Your Tod-lar may awaken one day with an earache and a greenish goo oozing out of his right eye.  If this happens, take him to the doctor immediately as he may have Pink Eye.  Do not, instead, attempt to put a warm Earl Gray teabag on his eye as suggested by your holistic book-reading neighbor.  This will only agitate the Tod-lar and possibly ruin your rug.  Brewing yourself a cup of Earl Gray is, however, strongly recommended as the caffeine, you will shortly see, may be necessary.

It is likely that the doctor will prescribe an oral antibiotic for the earache and eye drops for the Pink Eye.   Because it is pink and comes with a nifty measuring spoon, the Tod-lar will have no problem consuming the oral earache antibiotic.  The eye drops, on the other hand, will be a challenge.  Hence the caffeine recommendation.

Though you may be anxious to administer the eye-drop treatment to the poor Tod-lar who looks like a pirate about to say "Aye mate-y" because his mouth is pulling to one side in response to the strange sensation of having the infected eye nearly swollen shut, we suggest not doing it in the pharmacy parking lot.  Doing so may result in your Tod-lar screaming fucking bloody murder, which may arouse the suspicion of passers-byers equipped with mobile phones with Child Protective Services on speed-dial.  Instead, forget your list of errands you had hoped to accomplish in a timely manner and head home to administer the treatment with the windows shut and the shades drawn. 

Once you pull into the driveway of your house, be sure not to be tempted by your Tod-lar's suggestion that the treatment be given on your front lawn just because he wants to go to Blockbuster as quickly as possible to rent Monster's Inc..  Giving in to this very tempting suggestion because you're anxious to get some work done on this unintended day off will most likely result in the Tod-lar screaming bloody fucking murder on your front lawn for all the neighbors to see.  Instead, tell the Tod-lar that if he insists on screaming he will have to go inside so you can sit on him.  The Tod-lar will most likely stop screaming and say, "Let's go inside so you can sit on me." 

Once inside the house, offer the Tod-lar a comfortable spot, such as the couch.  At first he may appear to lie down willingly.  Do not be fooled.  Rather, be prepared to tackle the Tod-lar as he jumps up quickly, flails his arms, and screams, "NOOOOOOO" at the top of his fucking lungs.   At that point, sit lightly on his chest, tuck his arms close to his sides and hold them in place with your feet.  Then, very gently but firmly use your thighs to keep his head still.  As he continues screaming, calmly say, "I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to help you."  Repeat as necessary. 

Though his eyes may be closed, position the eyedropper at the inner corner of his infected eye.  Place one drop in this green goo oozing area and tell the Tod-lar to "Blink!  Blink!  Blink!"  As he's blinking, place another drop in the same spot and repeat the "Blink!" command.  Then tell the Tod-lar in a chipper voice, "All done!" 

At this point, the Tod-lar will likely stop screaming and suddenly exclaim, "That wasn't too bad!"  Refrain from smacking him or yourself in the forehead.  Instead, calmly discuss how screaming actually made the entire incident so much fucking worse than it needed to be.  However, refrain from using any variation of the word "fuck" when actually speaking with the Tod-lar.  Such words should only be thought and not spoken.

After four hours, warn the Tod-lar that he has to have another treatment.  Also warn him that he will need drops in BOTH eyes because the nasty moose he insists on carrying around because he's "sick" and rubs all over his face has spread the infection to the other eye.  At this point, he will probably be resistant but more compliant than during the first treatment. 

By the fifth treatment, the Tod-lar will be a pro at taking the drops.  However, he will still ask you to sit on him when administering them.  Don't be alarmed.  This is quite normal and is not indicative of any Oedipal issue he will need to spend 15 years of his adulthood in analysis trying to overcome. 

Good luck.

Comments

[Digital Father]

I'm sure you didn't, but I laughed through the entire story.

We tried the "approach from above" method, where Tod-lar lays down and you approach from the top of the head, out of peripheral vision. Never worked. Always ended up, knees on the chest, screaming "Open you damn eyes!"

I do not miss those days one bit. Thanks for the funny flashback, though.

[Jolene]

Hilarious. I haven't had to administer eye drops yet, but I have had to take the same tackle and pin approach while extracting a sliver from my daughter's palm. Not fun. Kids seem to possess superhuman strength in these situations. The little ingrates.

[misfithausfrau]

Oh how I wish I had been able to read your sage advice in December when I went through this. Twice.

[Her Bad Mother]

and how, exactly, do you manage to refrain from using the word 'fuck' when under parenting pressure? That's what I need to know.

[albamaria30]

Thank you for posting again.

And thank you for making me laugh hysterically. I hope that if I ever have to give either Monkey or the Bun eyedrops, I remember this story. And the Earl Grey tea, of course.

[Andrea]

We're going through the same thing with my almost-six-year-old right now. First two times he fought like crazy, the third time we snuck and did it while he was sleeping (worked like a charm!), then the next time he yelled "NO I won't! NOOO NO! Please Dad can't we do it later! N0!"

We end up double-teaming him most of the time. I swear I end up almost in tears though.

Makes for a fun weekend when you have to do that every 4 hours, doesn't it??

[JennyK]

Have you tried the cream? Somehow I found it works better -- though unlike you, we do get continual battling against the treatment instead of eventual aquiescence.

[Brandy]

This is so hilarious I had to read it to my husband. We are expecting our first baby in November (so still a LONG ways to go) and it's great to get some perspective on what I can expect as we go along.

[pixie sticks]

Fucking pink eye. The only thing worse?? lice.

[chocolate makes it better]

ooooh.... eye drops. Luckily we haven't had to do these yet. I will keep this post on hand when the time comes.

[mary mary]

i am so sad that i am reading this one week after finishing the never-ending tube of medicine. i was missing the key to solo success - holding the head still between the thighs. mother F that sucked.

[veronica's mom]

identical to our experiences, however, replace the early gray tea with a couple shots of jameson.

[veronica's mom]

*sigh* EARL gray. EARL. (putting down bottle of jameson)

[Deanna]

Luckily, I have not had the battle of the eye drops yet. Been there with the saline spray in the nose, though. THAT took parent double-teaming.

[Ivory]

I am so sorry to say this but with the antibiotics your son was already on, there really was no need for the eyedrops. He would have gotten all he needed from the oral meds.... Perhaps you had a galloping case? That's the only reason I can think a doc would give both oral meds and drops.

[Lainey-Paney]

okay...making mental note in case my child ever gets the ol' pink eye.
yuck!

[Antique Mommy]

Just went through this for the first time with my 3YO. Would have been easier to do had he been an angry cat.

[Digital Father]

Mama- this is a strange request, but is there any chance you could get in touch with me via my email? It's for a good reason.

dad AT digitalfather.com

[Crystal]

Ok - this is FABULOUS. My 18 month old has pink eye for the first time...I've never had to administer eye drops so I googled it to see if there were any helpful hints...I found this and it is EXACTLY how I did it...forget the sites that tell you to gently pull down the lower lid. THIS IS HOW YOU GET IT DONE...hilarious.

Crystal

[Crystal]

Ok - this is FABULOUS. My 18 month old has pink eye for the first time...I've never had to administer eye drops so I googled it to see if there were any helpful hints...I found this and it is EXACTLY how I did it...forget the sites that tell you to gently pull down the lower lid. THIS IS HOW YOU GET IT DONE...hilarious.

Crystal

[Cara Fletcher]

I have similar problem with my baby a month ago.My mother gave me some parenting tips about this.She told me to distract his attention from the bottle and when I do this to put a drop in his eye.It worked with a lot of strains. ;)

[Rebecca]

Going through this now and was googling to see if my seemingly not so great technique of dropping the drops in the corner of closed eyes was even worth the struggle (was he getting any in....?) Learned from you that this is about as good as its going to get. I'll tell you, the ordeal with my four year old is as angry and frustrated as I've gotten in a while, and I get frustrated pretty easily! Thanks for making me feel part of the club.