Morphing into Mama

The Mystery of the Changed Mother-in-Law

[First, this blogging business:  I’m so glad many of you like my makeover.  A lot of work went into this look.  I had to spend a whole 5 minutes picking out the design from the ever creative Aitch.  I nearly broke into a sweat!  Imagine if I’d actually had to design the thing myself.  I might have shorted a circuit.  Seriously, though, designing this header (or whatever the technical term is) was no easy task.  I mean, I’d been thinking about a redesign for quite a while but, as I told Aitch, “Morphing Into Mama” doesn’t really evoke any images – except for butterflies, which both Aitch and I agreed just weren’t right for this blog since butterflies are sweet and this blog is anything but sweet.  So, a big “THANKS” to the lovely and talented Aitch.  If you’re in the market for a blog makeover, give her a call!

In other thanks . . . thanks for all your sweet comments yesterday.  They were unnecessary but much appreciated.  And, don’t worry.  Jimbo didn’t offend me.  I think I was just shocked that someone would actually go out of his way to be an asshole.  I can be naive like that sometimes.

Now, on with the post!]

As I sit here and type this, MIL is on her way to spend the weekend with us, and I have to admit I’m very excited!  I know, I know.  You expected this to be a rant about how much MIL makes my teeth itch, right?  Well, that’s all past. 

Since I last wrote about MIL, she’s been to visit us twice.  I didn’t write about these visits because even though I thought things had changed between us, I needed to be sure before writing about it.  Given the interactions we’ve had over the past four months, and the fact that she’s arriving today to watch the kids for me on my birthday tomorrow, I think it is safe to say that things have changed for the better. 

What was once an unspoken competition for Husband’s attention has transformed into a pleasant and supportive friendship.  She calls to inquire about my exams. I call to tell her about the kids' developmental milestones.  Sometimes I even call just to let her know Tod-lar talked about her that day. I retell his words verbatim complete with tone and facial descriptions.  During these calls, all I can hear on the other end of the line is continuous giggling intermittently interrupted by an excited, “Really?!” 

While this change may seem mysterious and some of you may even wonder about its genuineness, I can assure you of the latter and explain to you the former.  This change is not a result of a confrontation, heart-to-heart, or perspective changing terminal illness.  MIL is the picture of perfect health.  As for the other two plausible explanations, neither would have worked in MIL’s case.  First, confrontations are usually filled with “you” statements (“You did this.  You did that.”), which automatically put the receiving person on the defensive, making them want to hit you over the head with the nearest heaviest object. Heart-to-hearts are also confrontational but here the “you” statements are in hidden within “I” statements (“I feel this way when you do that.”).  For people who are used to talking about their feelings and hearing others talk about theirs, the latter approach can be useful.  However, if you’re MIL, and you’ve never discussed emotional issues with anyone in your family before, this approach will most likely only make you want to flee to the deepest depths of denial. 

Thankfully, there is a third, and often more effective approach that doesn’t actually involve the other person.  It’s the “set your own boundaries without the other person directly knowing” approach.  The other person may only become aware that new boundaries exist when she attempts to cross them and your response behavior very clearly, but nicely says, “Don’t go there.”  This is what Husband and I did with MIL, and VERY shortly thereafter, we began to see a change.  In short, our little experiment (keeping in mind that the scientific method was not used in any way, shape, or form here) has reaffirmed the ole psychological saying "you can’t change another person but you can change yourself, which can change the other person" (admittedly, I added that last part). 

Frankly, I am extremely grateful for this change and for our newfound friendship.  I know this may shock you given how much I rant on this blog, but I actually abhor discord.     

Really.

Dear Doctor

Life has been incredibly hectic around La Casa MIM.  The last two weeks have been filled with writing a huge paper for school and cooking a huge meal for Thanksgiving.  Now that I’m done with both, I can finally formally respond to a comment I received on my recent "Buffer Me" post wherein I ranted on about my mother-in-law.  Below is the comment from a “Doctor JH” and my response.

Comment from Doctor JH

Maybe this is breaking some kind of blog protocol but I cannot help myself. I find it strange that people complain about their MILs (or anyone else for that matter) but don’t want to do anything about it. Are you saying that Husband WENT on the biking trip even though you hadn't had a honeymoon yet? Couldn’t Husband just say no? Are you saying Husband doesn't talk to HIS mother about addressing him in such an inappropriate way to you? Are you saying that Husband let HIS mother come to your home and behave like a selfish jerk under the guise of helping with the newborn WITHOUT saying something to her?

Could it be that you are insecure about your position with Husband vis-à-vis MIL’s influence with him? Why did he choose biking over being with his new bride? Why doesn’t he tell her to treat you with more respect, especially in your own home? Maybe the fact that he was ignored by his mother in his youth has led to a strong desire to gain his mother’s approval and confronting her might jeopardize that approval. However, not setting boundaries with his mother puts stress on the two of you.

You could confront her yourself, however that may make it worse. MIL may think that it is an open fight for power and continue to fight or worse yet, fight even harder. The fact is there is no power struggle. You are his wife and you are number one. Husband needs to SHOW that.

If you complain about her without doing anything then MIL has won. If you complain to her on your own she may think that Husband doesn’t concur and she will fight harder and you have lost. If you complain to her with Husband at your side, she may think it is all coming from you anyhow and not believe it. Thus, she may continue the fight and will definitely know she has gotten under your skin and won. However, if Husband gets off his ass and has a heart-to-heart with her about how it bothers HIM the way she tries to exert power within your family then it is you that has won. Moreover, this action will show in deed what his words to you could never say.

Instead of whining about MIL, why don’t you and Husband accept SOME of the responsibility (by allowing such awful behavior) and then do something proactive about it. Set the boundaries and live with them.

MIM’s Response to Doctor JH

Dear Doctor JH,

While your questions are warranted, your analysis is incorrect since it is, of course, based on extremely limited information.  A post explaining in detail the complexities of Husband’s family dynamics would be a) boring and not at all funny (though one could argue what I did write is still not funny), and b) too long.

Additionally, several points reveal that you are NOT a doctor at all.

First, the tone of your comment is extremely confrontational.  Psychologists, generally speaking, are not so abrasive.

Second, your one-size-fits-all-heart-to-heart solution is not appropriate for every family – especially one that doesn’t normally communicate in this fashion and is not in therapy seeking to learn to communicate in this way.  A real psychologist would never suggest such a generic solution. 

Third, every psychologist knows that change does not occur overnight.  Yes, Husband CHOSE to go on that bike trip.  Yes, he CHOSE not to confront his mother about her unhelpful behavior with our newborn, etc., etc.  However, Husband’s interaction patterns with his mother were in effect for THIRTY years prior to our getting married.  It would have been totally unreasonable of me to expect him to instantly change these patterns right after our wedding.  Additionally, because MIL does not live near us, we only see her maybe 2-3 times per year.  In order for Husband to change his interaction pattern with his mother, he needed to see her not just in relation to him but in relation to us as a married couple.  Given we’ve only been married 4 years and have seen her at most 12 times, and given, as I wrote in the post, he DID set boundaries with her, I’d say we’ve made tremendous progress in a rather short time period.  However, it appears that since we didn’t do it the way YOU would do it, we’re still somehow “not taking responsibility” for our own actions. 

Finally, based on your IP address’ location and referring URL, I think I have a pretty good idea who you are.  And an MBA does not a doctor make. 

MIM, Marriage and Family Therapist (in training)

Buffer Me

My mother-in-law (hereinafter “MIL”) is one of the smartest people I know.  She was one of the first women in the aerospace industry.  She’s written and published several computing books.  She taught mathematics for many years.  Now, in her golden years, she mountain bikes around the world.  Her mind is sharp and youthful, and her body looks fabulous for its sixty-one years.  She’s an exceptionally interesting and knowledgeable woman.  That’s why I find it so sad that just the thought of her makes me so mad, I could kick a puppy. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I love puppies.  Everyone loves puppies.  That’s why Husband had the brilliant idea to start a rent-a-puppy business.  Rent one for a weekend of long walks, games of fetch, wrestling, and, if you’re a man, attracting chicks.  I mean, who doesn’t love puppies?  But that’s the effect MIL has on me.  If there’s a puppy nearby after a phone conversation with her – run for your life, little doggie! 

What would a person have to do to elicit such violent anger in another?  Well, there was the time when I first met MIL, a month before Husband and I became engaged, when she told me she would always have a “soft spot in her heart” for Husband’s ex-girlfriend.  Or, that time when she didn’t book her hotel reservations early enough to secure all four nights she was staying in town, so she TOLD us she would be sleeping on our couch the night after our WEDDING.  And let’s not forget how only months after our wedding, she bought Husband a ten day mountain biking trip with her and his brother despite the fact that WE had not yet had a HONEYMOON.  I mean, hell has to fucking freeze over before Husband can take two whole weeks off from work.  And apparently that month it did.

Then there’s that annoying way she says “my son” whenever she calls and asks to speak to Husband.  “Can I please speak to my son?”  You mean my husband?  The man I sleep with every night? 

And who can forget the time she came to "help" us after In-fant was born?  I know I can’t – no matter how hard I try.

Now, before you start thinking Husband is some kind of “mama’s boy,” understand that he is anything but.  MIL, not being the nurturing type in any way shape or form, basically ignored her kids until they were adults.  By the time Husband was six years old, he realized that if he wanted to have clean clothes or eat three meals a day, he was going to have to do it himself.  It was only after her kids reached adulthood and she could talk with them on her level, did she actively seek their company.  Since then, the women in her sons’ lives (with the exception of Husband’s ex-girlfriend because we all knew he wasn’t going to marry her) are competition – which is why she said to my brother-in-law’s girlfriend when they met, “Oh.  So you’re the one who stole my son away from me.” 

Fortunately, no puppies were around when MIL called me recently to TELL me she’d be cooking Thanksgiving dinner at OUR house and sleeping on OUR couch for four nights.  I was so shocked (though I shouldn’t have been) and so angry, all I could do was sputter into the phone, “I have to talk to Husband!”  After I hung up and had a drink, I came to the realization that I don’t have to deal with her.  I can just have Husband do it.  He doesn’t have to deal with my parents very much, why should I deal with his? 

Deal with it, he did.  MIL will only be staying with us three nights.  Husband and I will be cooking Thanksgiving dinner because it’s our house, and I refuse to eat can-shaped gelatinous cranberry “sauce.”  MIL will be watching the children (whatever that means).  And Husband promises to be my buffer.  Now, I can rest easy knowing no innocent animals will be harmed that weekend.  Plus there’s the added bonus that maybe by the end of her visit the kids’ll be cooking their own meals and doing their own laundry.