Remember playing “Telephone” as a kid? You’d sit in a circle with a bunch of friends and you’d whisper something to the kid next to you and she would turn and whisper what you said to the kid next to her and so on until the last kid would announce what you’d said and she’d say something like, “I like tight jeans!” and we’d all laugh because what you really said was “I like ice cream!” Remember that?
Well, for the last several days there’s been a really bad game of telephone being played on the web. It seems that my unintentional highly controversial post, which I thought had an overall message of “people in an intimate relationship should be considerate of each other and understand that their physical appearance, and any MAJOR change to it, can affect their partner and their relationship” has turned into “all women need to be thin for their husbands,” or “only looks matter in a relationship,” or “fat people are bad,” or “ALL fat people are depressed and have no self-respect,” or “people can’t change – ever,” or “only long hair is attractive,” and the list goes on and on and on.
So let me clarify a few things.
1. No, I do NOT think all women need to be thin for their husbands.
This should have been obvious when I said in my post, “if I had been 160 pounds when we married that would one thing. Then it would be totally unreasonable for him to want me to be 120 pounds.” If I thought all women needed to be bone thin for their husbands, then that quote would have read, “men have every right to ask their 160 pound wives to be 120 pounds.” But that’s NOT what I wrote.
2. Not all overweight people are depressed or lack self-respect.
What’s interesting is that the context of the conversation seems to have been lost. The conversation in my post took place in my psychopathology class. Depression is a pathology. One of the criterions for depression is excessive weight gain in a short period of time (5% of total body weight within a month). I didn’t make that up, the people who wrote the DSM IV did. This is part of the reason why I linked depression and weight gain. The other reason is because I’M naturally and have always been thin, it would be perfectly reasonable for Husband to think I was depressed if I had gained excessive weight – especially in a short period of time.
3. My post is really about spouses – not just women.
If Husband wanted to grow a beard, I would hope he would first discuss it with me since he’s never had one. If I decided to go blonde (which I would never do – no offense to you blondes out there), I’m sure Husband hopes I would first discuss this with him. Before I got my braces, which I have on both bottom and upper teeth and must wear for 2 years, I consulted with husband (plus, there’s a cost issue here).
If you’re in a relationship, it is only considerate to the other person to check-in with her or him if you want to make a big change to your physical appearance. I understand that no one thinks, “Gee, I think I’ll gain a bunch of weight now.” But given we check in about other issues, it would be totally reasonable to check-in about this one as well.
4. Physical appearance is not the only thing that affects sexual attraction.
Back in my single days, I met plenty of men who were attractive upon first meeting only to turn into ugly toads once I got to know them. Physical appearance is only part of the equation for sexual attraction -- but it IS part of the equation and should not be ignored no matter how much we think it shouldn’t be. If it weren’t we’d all find each other equally physically attractive. But we don’t. We’re people with preferences.
5. I know not everyone can control their weight.
However, many overweight people can. Just ask my mother or any of her four sisters. I’ve seen these women look FANTASTIC at size 14, only to stop exercising, go back to eating fast food and end up being severely overweight again. The exercise, the food – those things they can control with choices, and they know this. What I would hate is for these women to give up and think they can’t control their weight just because they’ll never be a size 2 (hell, I’ll never be a size 2), and then rationalize not exercising or making better food choices.
6. Let’s talk about false advertising.
I used this term for several reasons. First, there is a certain amount of “advertising” of self that goes on while single. Do you remember what it’s like being single in your late 20’s and 30’s? Just go to any bar or restaurant on a Friday or Saturday night. Or check out www.match.com. Can you honestly say people aren’t advertising themselves to a certain extent?
Second, I was thinking about the woman in my class who admitted “plumping up” once she’s comfortable in her relationship. She’s basically admitted she doesn’t have to be concerned about her weight because she’s secure in her relationship, yet before her relationship, she was concerned. Isn’t it possible that she projected a health/weight conscious image before her relationship but is now projecting a “hey, I’m comfortable in our relationship now, so I don’t need to be health/weight conscious anymore?” Isn’t it too bad she did this instead of just being herself from the beginning? Was this intentional? Did she mean to deceive her significant other? Probably not. But if she’s aware of it, why isn’t she doing anything about it? And I wonder what her partner would think about that. Isn’t it possible that her partner might feel he’s being taken for granted in some way because she doesn’t care what he thinks?
The real issue with false advertising is not whether women should feel the need to project our culture’s fucked-up view of beauty – it’s why so many people feel the need to be someone other than who they are. Like my friends who did grow their hair long to help attract men when they really preferred it short. Isn’t it too bad they did this? Shouldn’t they have just kept it short? (And for the record, I used to have REALLY short hair – I’m talking above-the-ear short. I didn’t like it, so I grew it long. But I will cut my hair to my chin again when I go grey, and yes I’ve discussed it with husband because that’s only considerate and it may be happening much sooner than later.) Or what about my friend whose husband used to hike with her before they married but now that they are married all he wants to do is sit at home and watch TV? Shouldn’t he have just done this from the beginning?
7. I did NOT say your spouse will LOVE you less if you gain weight.
I suggested that one’s spouse might feel less physically attracted. That is a possibility. Just ask several of my readers who were brave and honest enough to comment about their experiences with this. Does it mean their spouses LOVE them any less? No. Does it mean their spouses are superficial fucks? Maybe some are, but maybe some aren’t. And maybe the ones who aren’t are just being honest. I would rather my husband be honest, in a kind way, rather than harbor resentment towards me.
8. I was not talking about people with a history of eating disorders.
Some people have a very complex relationship with food. One of my dear, dear friends has been in Overeaters Anonymous since I met her 16 years ago. She still attends meetings on a regular basis (and is doing fantastic!). Other women won’t eat, or they binge and purge. If you’ve had a history of eating disorders in your life, my post was NOT talking about you. So no, if you were a thin anorexic the day you married, I hope you never, ever go back to that weight again. In fact, I hope you’ve “plumped up” and your spouse should hope so too because it means you’re healthy.
I think those are the main points I wanted to address as I read your posts, comments on other blogs, and your hate email. I understand that this issue is a loaded one and that there are a million different couples with a million different stories out there. So please remember what my main point was: people in an intimate relationship should be considerate of each other and understand that their physical appearance, and any MAJOR change to it, can affect their partner and their relationship.
I will leave comments open to this post so long as people post constructive arguments and are not mean and hateful. For those who have left mean and hateful comments or want to leave them, I ask you to seriously look within yourselves and ask yourself where that hate is coming from and whether or not it is really directed towards me – especially since you don’t even know me.
To those of you who have been emailing me and sharing your stories, I just can’t tell you how much I admire you, your honesty, and your ability to face your struggles head-on. I wish the absolute best for you.
Finally, I am reminded of what my Life Drawing instructor used to tell me when I was in art school: “Draw what you SEE, don’t draw what you THINK you see.”
Please HEAR what I am saying, don’t just hear what you THINK I’m saying.
