Morphing into Mama

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #5: How to Put Eyedrops in Your Tod-lar's Pink Eye

Your Tod-lar may awaken one day with an earache and a greenish goo oozing out of his right eye.  If this happens, take him to the doctor immediately as he may have Pink Eye.  Do not, instead, attempt to put a warm Earl Gray teabag on his eye as suggested by your holistic book-reading neighbor.  This will only agitate the Tod-lar and possibly ruin your rug.  Brewing yourself a cup of Earl Gray is, however, strongly recommended as the caffeine, you will shortly see, may be necessary.

It is likely that the doctor will prescribe an oral antibiotic for the earache and eye drops for the Pink Eye.   Because it is pink and comes with a nifty measuring spoon, the Tod-lar will have no problem consuming the oral earache antibiotic.  The eye drops, on the other hand, will be a challenge.  Hence the caffeine recommendation.

Though you may be anxious to administer the eye-drop treatment to the poor Tod-lar who looks like a pirate about to say "Aye mate-y" because his mouth is pulling to one side in response to the strange sensation of having the infected eye nearly swollen shut, we suggest not doing it in the pharmacy parking lot.  Doing so may result in your Tod-lar screaming fucking bloody murder, which may arouse the suspicion of passers-byers equipped with mobile phones with Child Protective Services on speed-dial.  Instead, forget your list of errands you had hoped to accomplish in a timely manner and head home to administer the treatment with the windows shut and the shades drawn. 

Once you pull into the driveway of your house, be sure not to be tempted by your Tod-lar's suggestion that the treatment be given on your front lawn just because he wants to go to Blockbuster as quickly as possible to rent Monster's Inc..  Giving in to this very tempting suggestion because you're anxious to get some work done on this unintended day off will most likely result in the Tod-lar screaming bloody fucking murder on your front lawn for all the neighbors to see.  Instead, tell the Tod-lar that if he insists on screaming he will have to go inside so you can sit on him.  The Tod-lar will most likely stop screaming and say, "Let's go inside so you can sit on me." 

Once inside the house, offer the Tod-lar a comfortable spot, such as the couch.  At first he may appear to lie down willingly.  Do not be fooled.  Rather, be prepared to tackle the Tod-lar as he jumps up quickly, flails his arms, and screams, "NOOOOOOO" at the top of his fucking lungs.   At that point, sit lightly on his chest, tuck his arms close to his sides and hold them in place with your feet.  Then, very gently but firmly use your thighs to keep his head still.  As he continues screaming, calmly say, "I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to help you."  Repeat as necessary. 

Though his eyes may be closed, position the eyedropper at the inner corner of his infected eye.  Place one drop in this green goo oozing area and tell the Tod-lar to "Blink!  Blink!  Blink!"  As he's blinking, place another drop in the same spot and repeat the "Blink!" command.  Then tell the Tod-lar in a chipper voice, "All done!" 

At this point, the Tod-lar will likely stop screaming and suddenly exclaim, "That wasn't too bad!"  Refrain from smacking him or yourself in the forehead.  Instead, calmly discuss how screaming actually made the entire incident so much fucking worse than it needed to be.  However, refrain from using any variation of the word "fuck" when actually speaking with the Tod-lar.  Such words should only be thought and not spoken.

After four hours, warn the Tod-lar that he has to have another treatment.  Also warn him that he will need drops in BOTH eyes because the nasty moose he insists on carrying around because he's "sick" and rubs all over his face has spread the infection to the other eye.  At this point, he will probably be resistant but more compliant than during the first treatment. 

By the fifth treatment, the Tod-lar will be a pro at taking the drops.  However, he will still ask you to sit on him when administering them.  Don't be alarmed.  This is quite normal and is not indicative of any Oedipal issue he will need to spend 15 years of his adulthood in analysis trying to overcome. 

Good luck.

I Think This May Have Backfired

Remember when I demonstrated how to calm the impatient In-fant (who is now "Bah-bie") with a little Patience?  Well, now whenever I tell her she needs to be "calm" or "patient," she responds with a "Yeah, yeah, yeah."  Only, it doesn't sound like the "yeah, yeah" from the song.  Instead it sounds like, "Yeah, whatever, Mom.  Blah, blah, blah." 

This is definitely not the response I was going for.  I may need to rethink this one.

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #4 -- How to Turn Your Suddenly Rude Tod-lar Back Into the Polite Little Boy He Once Was

It is likely that one day you will wake up to find your very polite Tod-lar has been replaced with a demanding and rude little boy.  Don't be alarmed.  If your Tod-lar attends the incubator-of-unknown-viruses-and-unseemly-behavior, otherwise known as "preschool," then, sadly, this is to be expected. 

Now, let me forewarn you that while rude Tod-lar behavior can strike at any moment, this clever creature will usually opt to do it when your reflexes are low and your synapses are not fully firing -- before your morning coffee.  That is when you are likely to hear, "I want milk.  Get me my milk!"   When this occurs remain calm.  Obviously, he has momentarily confused you with one of his bitches. 

When you do not respond to his demand because you are not his bitch and his "fetch me a chicken pot pie" tone is completely unacceptable, he will repeat his demand more loudly.

"I want milk!  GET me my MILK!" 

At this point, though you may want to either a) scream at him for acting like a total ass, or b) pour Drano in your ears so you never have to hear this horrible tone bellowing from the lips of your sweet son again, it is best to remain calm and step away from the Drano.  To help you remain calm, remind yourself not to take his rudeness personally.  Remember that he is trying  a new behavior on for size, and your job is simply to show him it does not fit, nor will it ever fit.  EVER.  To help you step away from the Drano, be sure to store it in a hard-to-reach area before the Tod-lar even begins exhibiting this most annoying rudeness.

Next, get down to the Tod-lar's level but, rather than facing him, try to situate yourself so that you're shoulder-to-shoulder with him.  This promotes, according to sociological research, a far less combative situation than the face-to-face position. 

Then, check to ensure you are emotionally distanced from the situation.  Remember, you are not engaging him in a power struggle.  Rather, you are simply following-through on a naturally occurring consequence.  If he wants milk, then he needs to ask politely.  It doesn't matter if he's asking the waiter at your local family-friendly restaurant, his teacher, or you.  Thus, it is as if you are merely the milk messenger, and it is the higher powers of politeness who have determined the proper way to request it.  So, if Tod-lar is engaging in any sort of power struggle, it is with those higher powers, not you. 

Once you've gained your necessary emotional distance, you are prepared to speak to the Tod-lar.  In a genuinely calm and quiet tone, ask him, "Bud, is that how we ask for milk?" 

If he responds with a sheepish, "No," then say, "Well, show me how do we ask for milk."

If his next words are, "I don't know," (even though you know he does) or, "I don't want to!" or "I can't," then in the same calm and quiet tone say, "I can't give you your milk until you ask for it properly."  Again, your attitude here should be "I'd really like to give you your milk, but some higher power says I can't until you've asked nicely."  Then resume making your morning coffee.

Given that the Tod-lar is fairly stubborn and willful, he will most likely begin to whine and cry -- loudly.  Do not reach for the Drano.  Instead, resume your shoulder-to-shoulder position with him and ask, "Are you upset because you want your milk?"  When he replies with a sheepish, "Yes," say, "I will gladly give it to you when you ask politely.  If you don't ask politely, I can't give it to you.  Do you want to try again?" 

If he still refuses and, instead, resumes whining and crying, say, "If you need to whine and cry about it, then please go to your room, where you can sit with Cow and calm yourself down." 

At this point, he may miraculously calm himself down and ask for the milk properly.  Be sure to give it to him with a big smile, and say cheerfully, "Here you are!"  But don't thank him for doing what he was supposed to do in the first fucking place.  (And, again, don't thank him when later that day he says, "Mama, I not calling you 'poopy-pants.'"  Just say, "I should hope not!")

Keep in mind that the Tod-lar will attempt this same rude behavior over and over again throughout the day, and may even continue it into the following day.  This means there will most likely be instances when the Tod-lar does go without milk and may need to calm himself down on Cow.  Don't worry.  In either case, he will not die, though he will act as if he might. 

With the same consistent response as described above, however, this rude behavior should fully stop by the end of the second day. 

Good luck.

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #3: How to Calm the Impatient In-fant

“AAAAAAGH!”

“In-fant, I know you’re hungry.  I’m cooking your dinner.  It’ll be ready in just a minute.”

“AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH!!”

“Yes, In-fant.  I know you’re hungry.  I’m getting your food as fast as I can.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!”

“In-fant . . . [heavy sigh and break into song] . . . Show a little pa-tience . . .”

“Yeah, yeah,” chimed Tod-lar [I am NOT making this up].

In-fant stops screaming and smiles.

“Just a little pa-tience . . .”

“Yeah, yeah,” sang Tod-lar.

“In-fant’s been crawlin’ the streets at night

Just tryin’ to get it right

It’s so hard when you’re crawlin’ around

It’s a really tough way to get around town

And the streets don’t change but maybe the name

She ain’t got time for food pangs

‘Cause she needs food

Yeah, yeah she needs food

Whoa, she needs food

WHOA, she needs food

Oooh, right n-ow. . .”

Everyone claps, food is served, and only the sounds of eating can be heard.

Who knew GN'R could have such a calming effect?

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #2: How to Tame the Wild In-Fant

If you have a wild In-fant in your house, there may be times throughout the day when a putrid odor penetrates your nose.  Most likely, this odor is emanating from the wild In-fant who sits across the room, stewing in her own poo whilst playing with toys. 

To change the wild In-fant’s diaper, you must proceed cautiously being sure to give her plenty of verbal warning so as not to piss her off. 

“In-fant.  Did you poo poo?  We need to change your diaper.  Come to Mama so we can change your diaper.”

Most likely, the wild In-fant will smile at you and hold up whatever toy she has in her grasp.  If the toy is small enough, allow the In-fant to hold onto it as you gently pick her up and carry her to the diaper changing area.  If she happens to be holding something large and unwieldy, then say, “Let’s bring this toy instead,” as you remove the larger object from her hand while giving her the smaller one.

Once you have the wild In-fant in the diaper changing area – preferably the floor and NOT a table – lay her on her back while making sure she sees the toy in her grasp.  Be sure to give her additional verbal warnings such as, “We’re going to change your diaper now.”  Then show her the clean diaper. 

At this point, the wild In-fant may throw the toy and then spring onto her side in an effort to crawl away from you as fast as she fucking can.  Remain calm.  Gently grab the In-fant, lay her on her back again, and very gently, but firmly, apply each of your feet to each of her shoulders like so:

 

This maneuver not only prevents the In-fant from escaping, but it also allows you to control her arms so that she does not reach for her poo and throw it at you.

As you gently apply force, the wild In-fant may continue attempting to escape.  Again, remain calm.  At this point you want to say firmly and clearly, “First change diaper.  Then play.”  Keep repeating this as you continue to struggle with the In-fant:

It is important to remember that while the wild In-fant may appear to be screaming as if she is horrible pain, she is not.  She is, however, very, very pissed.  After only a couple of moments, she should calm down:

Notice the smile on the In-fant’s face.  This suggests that the protesting in the first two photographs above was merely manipulative bravado.  Never give in to such behavior.

Continue to talk to the wild In-fant as you change her diaper.  Tell her what you’re doing.  Make funny faces and noises at her.  At this point she may be quite calm and may even play a bit:

Finally, once the diaper has been changed, thank the wild In-fant for allowing you to change her diaper, give her a kiss and then playfully yell, “Playtime!”  If all has gone well, her reaction should be as follows:

Good luck.

Unsolicited Parenting Advice #1

To the man standing in line at the train at the mall with his 2-year-old son:

When you tell your son, “You only get one train ride.  Okay?” and he doesn’t respond, don’t keep repeating, “You only get one train ride.  Okay?” over and over and over again.  Obviously, he’s trying to tell you with his silence that it’s NOT okay. 

Instead, you may want to try, “You only get one train ride.  Understand?”  If he still doesn’t answer, say, “Do you understand what I am telling you?”  And, if he still doesn’t respond, then say, “You can’t go on the train until you answer me.”  He'll get the message that this non-negotiable.

Okay?